Statements like "no fats or fems" or "no Blacks or Asians" litter profiles in hookup communities on Grindr, Jack'd, and similar platforms.Thankfully, marginalized queer communities have started to call out those hurtful comments as acts of discrimination rather than statements of preference.My childhood in the Black church led me to believe that Black people were inherently homophobic — a myth — and that the only Black men who were gay were on the down low or infected with HIV — also a myth.
But when I discussed my issue with friends, other queer men of color, they all said I have a type: white men.
I tried to deny it, but when I thought about my dating history, I realized that my friends were right.
I’m quickly approaching my 25th birthday and have come to the realization that I’ve never been in a long-term relationship. That's not uncommon among millennials, but as a Black gay man, I've begun to wonder how my race has affected my chances of finding love.
I like to think of myself as someone who’s adventurous when it comes to love and sex, someone who’d never rule out potential partners or new experiences.
When I read a recent essay by Michael Arceneaux, his words hit me hard.
He questioned why Black men in particular want so desperately to be acknowledged as desirable by white men who have no interest in dating outside their race.As a dark-skinned Black man, I have faced both overt and subtle instances of racism from white gay men.The ways in which I have been objectified and fetishized by them has often made me feel that I’m only good enough for sex and not for a relationship.But the older I get, the more I find myself wanting a partner who can relate to me without needing to be taught.I’ve become increasingly drawn to the concept of Black love, which celebrates Black couples and affirms Black pride within relationships, and I eventually want to experience this.I’ve received messages that said, "I love BBC," or "I never been with a Black guy before," or, on the opposite end of the "no Blacks" spectrum, I've seen white men who are "not into white guys, sorry."When I'm dating a white man, I occasionally feel like I need to confront the issue of race head-on and acknowledge the difference in life experiences between me and my partner.